“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I can change.” – Carl Rogers, Psychologist
Self-compassion as acceptance
I think our biggest struggles come from not accepting what is and who we are.
And it shows up in a word:
SHOULD.
- “I should be further along by now.”
- “I should know better.”
- “I should be exercising more.”
- “I should eat this, and I should stop eating that.”
When you’re “shoulding” yourself, it’s because you haven’t accepted yourself or your actual situation.
You’re likely not taking full responsibility for who you ARE and what you ARE doing.
Instead, you’re focusing on what you’re NOT doing.
And beating yourself up for it.
So, I’m inviting you instead, to notice what you ARE doing.
And accept yourself for it.
I totally get that it’s not easy to see and accept yourself as you are.
You’re expecting more from yourself, so how can you accept where you are?
I catch myself each day, beating myself up for this very reason.
Whether it’s about getting my exercise in, or parenting my young adult kids, or working on my business.
And even the way I look.
Somewhere inside me there are “shoulds”.
Expectations that are pretty high and also very rigid.
I’m harsh.
My very worst critic.
And I know it comes from this one engrained belief:
If I’m not hard on myself, then I won’t get better.
But I’m learning that this isn’t true.
And that self-compassion is a much more powerful motivator than self-criticism.
Self-Compassion as motivation
In Kristin Neff’s book, “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself,” she talks about using self-compassion to motivate ourselves, and feel better in our bodies.
As women, we’re very self-critical.
Especially when it comes to our bodies.
It may be the influence of media, or societal expectations, or both.
It seems no matter what your shape, size, or color, there are likely things you hate about your body.
And that’s what you zoom in on.
That’s what you see every time you look in the mirror.
And we all do this.
But what if you could zoom in on the best parts of your physical self?
What would you see?
I sometimes have my clients list the things they love about their body, and the things they don’t love so much.
No surprise, the “don’t-love-so-much” list is always longer.
And they struggle with finding the parts they love.
Just being aware of this struggle is powerful.
It explains so much about why they don’t feel good most of the time.
Self-criticism hurts.
It’s not helpful.
And it definitely doesn’t motivate you to make changes.
It’s like trying to motivate your kids to work harder by telling them that they’re lazy and worthless.
It doesn’t work.
So, on a regular basis (DAILY), it’s important to connect with what looks good and feels good about your body.
And the for the parts that don’t, your self-compassion is needed.
So how do you cultivate self-compassion?
Begin by recognizing the pressure you’ve been under to look a certain way.
Notice the ways you’ve coped with the pressure up until now.
And have some compassion for yourself and the unhealthy ways you’ve been using to cope.
You’ve learned and perfected those ways over years.
And you’re human.
You’re doing fine.
Show yourself some understanding for the suffering you’ve been through.
You’ve done the best you could to keep yourself safe and happy.
Self-Compassion to take action
You can use self-compassion as a tool for weight loss, or any other changes you want to make.
And it starts, when you make choices from a place of care and love for yourself.
A great question to get started is:
What would feel good to YOU and your body?
Weight loss? More outdoor activity? Rest?
Approach this question from that nurturing, self-compassionate place.
There’s no right answer here.
There are no “shoulds.”
There’s only you and what you want.
So, be honest with yourself.
And believe that whatever you choose is valid and possible.
So, what will your first small step be?
Do you practice Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is a powerful tool.
If only in that it helps you realize where you’re not being kind to yourself.
But mostly it’s because, when you’re kind to yourself, you can endure failure.
You can go through tough stuff.
And not make failing mean anything bad about you.
But instead, use it to fuel you, and prove how resilient you are.
Life is hard enough.
Being mean to yourself won’t help.
So, I invite you to answer these four questions to help you cultivate more self-compassion when it comes to your body:
- What do I love about my body?
- What do I not love about my body?
- What do I truly want for my body?
- What’s one step I can take towards what I want?
Keep moving forward,
Debbie
P.S. If you want to lose fat, feel better in your changing body AND be kind to yourself in the process, then let’s talk! REPLY to this email, or follow this link to find out more… https://debbieharbeccoaching.com/debbie-harbec-coaching-package/