Something happens.
Like your teenager makes a huge mess in the kitchen, leaves with friend, and then you have to clean it up.
A thought might pop into your head, “He doesn’t respect me.”
And that thought leads you to feel angry.
And then you have the thought, “I shouldn’t be feeling angry about this, I should be able to look beyond it.”
That thought then makes you feel guilty about feeling angry.
So now you’re feeling angry AND guilty.
And all you really want is to feel good.
So, instead of dealing with these two negative emotions, you deny them, and push them down, pretending that everything’s fine, it’s under control.
That’s called toxic positivity.
Toxic positivity
It’s about trying to be positive no matter how a situation makes you feel.
And I think it’s a big problem right now.
Especially for women.
I believe there’s a lot of pressure to make ourselves appear happy, and like we have it all together.
But it comes at a cost.
As you try to maintain positivity on the outside, you poison your insides with negative emotion, like resentment and jealousy.
And that poison leads you to your trusty vices like food, alcohol, shopping, and others.
So, how can you be more positive, without it being toxic?
(I’m using anger as an example here, but the same could be said for any emotion we label as negative like sadness, fear, emptiness, and more.)
I think some of us are afraid that we’ll be bitter, angry people if we allow ourselves to really feel anger.
But I’ve come to understand that the opposite is actually true.
Really feeling anger actually allows it to pass.
And the first step is to having anger pass is to accept that you’re angry.
I find it helpful to remember that anger is a human emotion, and we all feel angry sometimes.
The only thing wrong with anger is that we’ve labeled it as negative, and made it wrong.
And that’s why guilt shows up.
Now, accepting you’re angry doesn’t mean you have to lash out.
It just means you become aware.
And you create space for anger to be there.
To feel it in your body.
To validate it.
And then come up with a way of expressing it that’s useful.
Maybe you journal, maybe you make a decision to talk to your teen, or maybe you just breathe.
Once you allow the anger to pass through, the release leaves you feeling better.
More positive.
Notice you didn’t toxically deny the negative to get to the positive.
Instead, you dealt with the negative, it passed, and the positive filled the void.
The blue sky
It might be helpful to think of the blue sky as positive emotion.
Like happiness.
I believe the blue sky is our natural state.
And clouds are negative emotion.
Clouds will always happen.
They’re part of life on this planet; they’re not wrong or right, they just are.
And once the clouds pass, you’re back to blue sky.
It doesn’t help to be afraid of them, or distract yourself from them by eating, drinking, or shopping.
So, sit and watch the clouds.
Be curious about their shape, color, and size.
Notice how they make you feel.
Then allow them to pass by.
Curiosity over fear
In my life, I’ve struggled with accepting my negative emotions.
And I know I’ve been toxically positive countless times.
The toxic part is that inside I feel resentment, and so I numb with Netflix or another glass of wine.
I think that I’ve been afraid to feel anger because of what it would bring out in me.
But now, I realize there are many healthy ways to deal with negative emotions.
It doesn’t mean I have to yell, scream, or make a scene.
It means I can be me and sit with anger.
It means that I’m willing to feel the heat in my face and the tension in my chest, and it’s uncomfortable, but I’m trying to get comfortable with that discomfort.
I do this so I learn not to be afraid of it.
And each time I do it, fear is being replaced by curiosity.
Not only am I becoming more curious about the feeling of anger, but I’m also curious about what it’s trying to teach me.
Is it trying to teach me to say “no” more often? Or is it letting me know that I’m ignoring my own needs?
That’s when I think or write about it.
I let it out.
And then I decide if it’s something I need to share or if it’s just for me.
But either way, the anger has been productive, and I’ve gotten to know myself better.
This is way better than numbing myself with Netflix, or more wine.
It’s the human experience, and when I allow myself to feel emotion, I feel more alive.
And that’s a powerful feeling.
Keep moving forward,
Debbie
P.S. Want to let go of toxic positivity? I’d love to help. As a coach, I’m here to help you feel safe with your emotions, so you can deal with them productively, and get beyond them.
Curious? Contact me for a free consultation.
Email me, message me, or book a time to talk through Zoom.