47 and counting

I’m 47 today.

I put that out there because I’m kind of proud of it.

At 47, I feel strong, healthy, and more energetic than a decade ago (maybe that’s cause the kids are older.)

And kind of scared of it, I won’t lie.

In my worst moments, I feel like I’m running out of time.

There’s so much I still want to do, and so much I realize that I probably won’t do.

I won’t compete in the Olympics, I won’t be a rock star (the facts I can’t sing or play an instrument are besides the point), and I won’t have another baby.

But…

I may be less than half way through this life I call mine.

As I spoke about 2 posts back, my life may last well past 100.

There’s still so much I’m looking forward to.

In my most positive moments, I know the best is yet to come.

I’ve just recently gone back to university to get an official certificate in coaching.

And I’m soooo loving it!

Being in that classroom, filled with other individuals who want the same thing, I feel like I’m with my people.

And it made me think that most of my life up until now, I’ve felt like I didn’t belong.

Which is my own fault, I realize that.

When I was younger I followed an academic path I knew wasn’t what I really wanted, I settled down with a guy I knew wasn’t what I really wanted, and I haven’t spoken up loud enough for the things I do want.

So I’m making 47 – although not a round or significant number by most standards (heck, it’s a prime number!  Yes, I’m a bit of a math geek) – the year of my voice.

This is the time I’m choosing to begin voicing what it is that I want, and also what I don’t want.

My voice has been mostly quiet, especially concerning the subjects and people that are close to my heart.

The truth is, I avoid conflict like a disease.

It’s not so hard to speak up about what’s not precious to me, or what doesn’t directly affect me, but so much harder to say the hard things that sometimes need to be said to the people I care about the most.

Not that I have years of pent up negativity… I don’t.

But I recognize that I leave things unsaid.

Unsaid out of fear, out of comfort for the status quo, and out of shear laziness.

It’s my weakness, and I’ve got a lot of shame around this.

I get that we all feel shame, for so many different reasons.

But I’ve never felt that I could share my shame, or even get over it and resolve it already.

Although I’ve listened to Brene Brown, Oprah, and countless others preach about being vulnerable, I’ve still held back on this particular issue.

I know I’ve made great strides in other areas of my life, and I’m grateful for my accomplishments.

But I know that I won’t feel fully whole until I can hear myself speak, in my own voice, what’s really true for me.

There’s not one big thing I want to say.

It’s just a whole bunch of little things that I haven’t shared in the moment.

And I’m thankful that, at 47, there is time.

I’ve got an opportunity to change small things, or even big things if I want to.

My life is an amazing gift.

And the obstacles, including this one, are part of the gift because they’re the only thing that I know will make me grow.

And if there’s one thing I want to keep on doing for the rest of my life, it’s growing into a better version of myself.

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So, what are your obstacles?

What is one obstacle in your way, one thing, that if you could get over it, would change the course of your life?

I would love if you could share that with me, and that we could maybe even help each other get over our obstacles.

Because I don’t believe we’re supposed to figure this stuff out alone.

I believe that we’re supposed to ask for help, to get a push in the butt, and to help push others over their obstacles too. 

Joy comes from not only getting to the other side, but having others to celebrate with when you get there.

Keep moving forward my friend,

Debbie