More fearless with age

Just to be clear, I’m not fearless.

But I’ve definitely got less fear than I used to.

And I credit that, in big part, to Pema Chödrön.

If you don’t yet know Pema, she’s an American Buddhist nun who heads an abbey in Nova Scotia.

And she’s a real bad-ass when it comes to facing fear.

Talk about women who have changed their lives and become stronger with age, she is definitely in the the top of that list.

Her writing is all about learning to get comfortable with the groundlessness you feel when you’re scared.

Because the thing is, having ground beneath you is warm and fuzzy, it makes you feel secure and safe.

But when you’re scared, you can feel like the ground has been pulled from under you, like you’re freefalling.

You’re not sure where you’ll land, or if you’ll land.

And this uncertainty can feel unbearable.

Like when I started a new contract recently, and I had no idea what I’d be doing or what was expected of me.

Or when I was separated several years ago, and I didn’t know where I would live, what I’d do for work, or how I’d live without without my kids one week out of two.

Uncertainty certainly seems to suck.

However, what I’ve been learning from Pema, and in particular her book “The Places that Scare You,” is that this uncertainty, this groundlessness, is what real life is.

Because there really is nothing certain.

Nothing is for sure.

But somehow you and I live with the need for certainty.

And when the illusion of it is taken away (through divorce, disease, aging, job loss,…) it feels like you’ve got to scramble for something to hold on to.

You feel like you’ve got to hurry up and find a new job, get the cure, find a new mate.

But in fact that’s not the most helpful thing.

What is most helpful, what will change your life, is learning to sit with the feeling of groundlessness.

See it in a different light.

When you do, you’ll notice that groundlessness isn’t there to pull you down, it’s not the bad guy.

In fact it’s there to help you move forward.

And when I first heard this, the thought of being in the groundlessness of my pain without grasping for pain relief was terrifying.

Pain relief can take the form of anything that numbs what you’re feeling: Food, alcohol, drugs, shopping, watching Netflix,…

I thought, “So I’m supposed to sit here and feel the groundlessness of pain (rejection, failure, hurt,…) and be ok with it?”

What?

But as I’ve taken baby steps in this direction, I’ve learned that this really is the way.

You sit with your pain, feel yourself falling and know that it’s ok.

You’re ok.

You can fall, and fall, and fall.

And then you can get up.

And fall again.

And get up.

And fall again.

The point isn’t to get to an end where everything is perfect and falling no longer happens.

The point is to get back up each time you fall, knowing , at some point, you’ll fall again.

This is what life is about.

This is how you build strength.

Personally, I’m tired of trying to keep myself standing and avoiding falling (aka perfectionism).

It’s exhausting.

I’m ready, at this phase of my life, to fall and be ok with it.

And then dust myself off, knowing that I’ll fall again, but I won’t resist it.

I’ll let it happen.

And over time, I hope, falling will become as acceptable and necessary as breathing.

It will just become a part of this dance with life, nothing to hide or be ashamed of.

Knowing I’ll grow stronger with each fall.

I’ll embrace it.

And then get back up.

And then maybe even look forward to the next fall.

Keep moving forward my friend,

Debbie